Privacy, shmivacy

If the mention of breastfeeding makes you squirm, you may want to skip this post. Just as a heads up.

I just finished up my second week back to work. And really, it hasn't been as terrible as I was previously anticipating. The thing I was most worried about, however, was the logistics of pumping at work. And for good reason, apparently.

Scene 1: Monday, May 12th. First day back to work. At 11:45, I shoo the kids out the door to recess. I power walk to the teacher's lounge to pick up the insulated carrying case and breast milk storage containers from the fridge. Once back at my room, I lock the door and close it, then proceed to set up my pumping equipment at my desk. At the last moment, I decide to whip out my nursing cover and put it on.

Good thing I did! Not one minute after putting it in place, one of my male students enters my room, returning a telephone pass he used before I excused the rest of my class to recess. Surreptitiously I turned the pump off (it is not a quiet machine) and awkwardly told him to put the pass on the nearest desk as he was making his way ever closer to my desk. After he left I inspected the door. Yes, I had locked it, but I hadn't pulled it shut tightly enough, hence the intrusion. Well, then. I wouldn't make that mistake again.

Scene 2: Wednesday, May 15th -- two days after the first incident. I'm finishing up my pumping session when I hear knocking at my door. Sorry, kid. I'm not answering the door. The knocking gets more persistent. Too bad. Next thing I know, the teacher next door unlocks my door and pops her head in, asking if it's okay if my (different male) student gets his lunch. At that point, I've all but cleaned up, so I hold the bottles of milk under my desk while he retrieves his lunch.

Scene 3: Wednesday, May 21st. We're on an all-day field trip to Camp Floyd, a location that's basically a large grassy area with a few small buildings used for various activities for the childrens. After the students start their first rotation of activities, I approach a stern-looking woman dressed in a pioneer outfit and awkwardly ask her if there's a private place I could use to pump later in the day. Her first suggestion? "Well, there's the bathroom . . . " Immediately I inwardly veto that idea. A) Sitting on a toilet to pump hardly seems sanitary. B) Students would be walking in and out of the bathroom throughout the day, and I didn't want them asking questions. C) I later found out that there were only two stalls in the bathroom, and they didn't even lock! Jibs!

She then suggested the office, and I pounced on that idea. About an hour later, I asked her if it would be okay that I use the office now, and she agreed. The office was in the same building as one of the activities for the students, but one of the parent volunteers assured me that none of the students had even attempted to open the door to that room, so I should be good to go.

I enter the office and notice a LARGE window to the outside, sans any covering. Well, good thing I came prepared with my nursing cover again, I suppose. Too bad the neck strap keeps coming out of its buckle, causing the top to flop down and expose myself at various intervals. As I pump, I'm painfully aware that I can hear the students on the other side of the wall talking to each other and praying I don't hear anyone ask "What's that noise?" (Again, the pump is NOT a quiet machine!) About 15 tense minutes later, my fear came true -- the door opened! And guess who tried to come in? Not a male student this time, but the pioneer lady I had specifically told that I would be using her office to pump. Let's just say that once I said "Excuse me," and she left, I immediately cleaned up, returned to the other teachers, and avoided eye contact with the pioneer lady for the rest of the day.

Scene 4: Friday, May 23rd. Back to my classroom. Again, I locked the door, making sure to pull it shut tightly and wear my nursing cover again. By this point, I'm sure you can predict what will happen. Yet another male student of mine somehow gets into my classroom because the lunch box crate was left inside. (Whether he somehow picked the lock or someone else let him in is unclear.)

Have you been keeping tally? That's right, out of the ten days I've been back to work, I've been walked in on while pumping four of those days. That's 40%! It's getting absurd.

Nine days of school left. Any guesses as to how many more times my privacy will be invaded?

"Did you just use a tortilla as a napkin?"

In today's issue of Marie Claire Elizabeth, we have an exclusive interview with fashion icon Marie herself. Read on for a sneak peek of the transcript:

Q: Marie, how do you keep your luscious locks so luxuriously soft?

A: I undertake a strict regimen to keep my hair feeling baby soft. At least three times a week, but preferably more, I apply a mask of only the finest regurgitated milk to my hair. Next, someone rubs my hair with a soft, dry cloth to really work the nutrients from the milk into my scalp. At this point, the mask begins to set and get a bit crusty, so my assistant finger combs my hair for that carefree tousled look. Finally, twice a week a handsome man pampers me by washing my hair with Johnson & Johnson Baby Shampoo.

Q: Which fashion trend do you think will really take off this year?

A: For some unforeseen reason, my mother insists on placing a bib around my neck at all hours every day. A bib! The shame of it all. I try to put a positive spin on it, so to speak, by manipulating the bib around my neck to turn it into a superhero cape. I don't care what Edna Mode says; capes are going to be all the rage this spring.

Q: Every celebrity commits a fashion faux pas every once in a while. Tell us: what's yours?

A: Two words: highwater pants. My mom also tried squeezing me into a pair of pseudo-jeggings, but thankfully she couldn't pull them over my scrumptious thighs, so I escaped that catastrophe.

For a copy of the full interview, subscribe to Marie Claire Elizabeth by sending in your mail order with $19.99 enclosed.