For some reason, Jacob declined the opportunity to watch it with me. And once I looked at the DVD case, I began to get a little nervous. Perhaps it wouldn't be as delightfully whimsical as I remembered. But I pressed forward, for nostalgia's sake.
It started off decently enough. It opened with a musical number where the admittedly obnoxious children are singing about all the toys they want, the parents are threatening to spank their children if they don't behave, and Geppetto (played by Drew Carey) is pouring out his soul, asking why the people who shouldn't have children, have children, when clearly he would be a better father than those parents. I feel you, Geppetto. Sing it, my brotha:
Now, Geppetto wants to be a dad so badly that he has created a wooden puppet named Pinocchio and pretends that it's his son. That's the difference between me and Geppetto. I like to think I'm a little less creepy. I mean, I did end up giving away the closest humanoid object I owned like two years ago (and I use the term "owned" loosely, since I kind of stole it from Cari Dahl). Have I mentioned Chester on this blog yet? Meet Chester:
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| Paper bag added to protect the innocent. Also, in case you didn't pick up on it, he's called CHESTer because he's half a chest. I know; I'm so clever. |
Before long, Geppetto finds out that being a father isn't all it's cracked up to be. For you see, Pinocchio is kind of a brat. And a whiner pants. And he gets in a fight at school. AND he doesn't want to go into the family business! For Geppetto, that's the last straw. A toy that doesn't want to be a toymaker is no son of his!
So he asks the Blue Fairy to undo her magic. And thus commences an awkward dance number between toymaker and fairy. A dance number which, according to imdb.com, took EIGHT HOURS to film. When I read that (prior to watching the scene), I was expecting a grand choreographed number with dancing chimney sweeps or something. But no. Just a little ballroom-esque dancing to make the viewer uncomfortable.
After this, I stopped watching as intently as before. Pinocchio runs away, first to a marionette show and then to Pleasure Island, where Usher sings and the boys turn to donkeys. How, I'm not quite sure. The movie may have glossed over that plot point. And Geppetto decides to be a good father and track his missing puppet down.
Along the way, he runs into a town where all of the children are perfect. They're obedient and fantastic at spelling and cartwheel periodically. Geppetto discovers that a man in town creates this perfect children from a machine he invented. And this man just gives these children away! For free! Sign me up!
But then we come to the disturbing realization that this inventor popped out around eight children in an attempt to please Geppetto, who doesn't want these children, thankyouverymuch. He wants Pinocchio. Which begs the question: what happened to those eight children after Geppetto skipped town? Did they become homeless vagabonds, or did the inventor take them under his wing because they're so perfect? So many unanswered questions.
Geppetto finds Pinocchio, they get swallowed by a whale, and Pinocchio lies to make his nose grow so he can tickle the whale's uvula. Yadda yadda yadda. And magically, Pinocchio isn't a brat anymore because Geppetto has told him that he doesn't have to be a toymaker anymore, thanks to a little Blue Fairy intervention in the form of Wayne Brady. And (SPOILER ALERT) Pinocchio becomes a real boy! Hugs all around.
So there you have it. My take on the movie so you don't have to watch it. Did I enjoy the fluffy musical numbers? Sure. Did the theme of parenthood resonate within my soul? . . . Somewhat. I had a hard time accepting Pinocchio's behavior when he had only been alive for five minutes (isn't brattiness cultivated by poor parenting? Geppetto didn't even have a chance!). But I could relate to Geppetto's desire to have a child. Will I watch it again? Not for a long, long time. If ever. There's a reason this movie didn't come out on the big screen.
